Usually stories start with "Once upon a time" right? This one probably should too. This is a very special story, and if you're the first person that is being told this story, you are a very special person. The most special person in the world to the person who wrote this story. The person who wrote this story, wrote this story for you, and anything related to this story will also be made with you in mind. It is a gift to you, not just this single story, everything to do with it when it continues, for as long as it continues. It will be designed to entertain you as best the author knows how.
So. Once upon a time a great queen arose for her daily toils. This queen rose at the same time every day ever since she was born, and every day she would work for her people as hard as she could without getting much rest. It sounds harsh but she was completely content. There was nothing she would rather do than help her people out. She was a stout middle aged queen, in decent shape. Like a celebrity that people say "Oh my! She is 60 years old can you believe it!?" She was mighty fine looking for her age. This was normal to her and her people because her and her people had such a high quality of life. She wore a long flowing gown, made of light silks and satins. White as snow when she stood still, but as movement occurred it shimmered with every color of the rainbow. The people of her kingdom made sure she had nothing but the best, because she did the same for them. If it were up to her she would have worn a plain band shirt and floogin (Any normal article of clothing, except it has a psychedelic pattern on it, most residents of her kingdom wore them) but the people insisted she be glam as possible. They loved glammed royalty. Atop her head she wore a grand hat that was the shape of a muffin. Large and puffy like a sultan would wear. It was encrusted with jewels of every color in the spectrum, with a swirl design. Around the top was a medium sized crown. Her radiant fuchsia hair was tucked neatly in a bun under the veils that came flowing down from under her hat. Her face was slightly pudgy, but altogether cute. Makeup was placed upon her face long ago by the most masterful artist in the kingdom. Makeup in this kingdom never smudged, the only time it came off was when you wanted it to. The artist that created her face design did a wonderful job, he gave her long eyelashes, red green and blue eye shadow, rosy purple cheeks and rainbow themed lipstick that was much like her gown. Quite a colorful majesty she was. Colorful right down to her knee-high white boots with various colored buckles. On this day that she rose she stepped lightly over to her bedroom window to take a gander upon her wicked ass kingdom. She sighed happily like a school girl pining over the latest idiot action hero "The Kutiemuffin kingdom…" then walked off to the enamel white spiral staircases which lead down to the planning room. She passed that and went down the hall to her throne room where she could hear the electric guitar, drums and bass (with a tad of keys) beginning to play as she walked down the throne room alley along the 7 color carpet (as opposed to just red) to her throne. She waved, winked and smiled at the guards along the way. She also did the gun gesture a few times. The moment she was seated a lineup began of all the residents that needed her help. She smirked lightly. She loved her job.
A young man walked forward in front of her and bowed. "State your problem!" the royal counselor's voice rang out because the young man was taking too long in his opinion. He was standing just to the right of where the Queen sat on her throne. The young man stammered "U-Uhh, well..My problem is that I'm finding floogins to be too girly for me. I haven't ever been to a clothing store before because all I see is floogins….floogins everywhere man…er, your Majesty." No problem was too small for this Queen to handle; she calmly said "Young man, all you need to do is take a look inside one of the stores. There are many styles of floogins, male kinds and female kinds alike. I am certain you will find something you can wear proudly." She was right, which was usual. Most of the Kutiemuffin's problems were simple ones like floogins. Floogins were the main dress code within the kingdom. Everyone loved them, they were always a wicked psychedelic pattern. Girls wore the skirt and dress versions whereas the males usually wore the tunic, shirt or muffintop version. It was not at all odd for a male to wear the kilt version, either. The Kutiemuffins never had any problem accepting people if they were different. Band T-shirts were also very common among the inhabitants, due to music being very popular across the kingdom. In fact, everyone in the kingdom knew how to play at least one instrument decently. They held festivals where everyone would get together in the square and rock out. The next person in line's problem had to do with her musical studies. Before the young man was finished bowing again the young lady quickly stepped round him, gave a very fast curtsey and blurted out "Queen Trinipinity! Please, can you teach me that one chord you played last week?" there was a pause and the Queen said "Could you be more specific dear?" The young lady un-latched her guitar case and brought out her instrument. It was your basic guitar. 6 strings. She played a chord which was happy, yet sad at the same time. It was obvious to everyone in the hall that something was missing. "Ah, I know the one you mean!" cheered Queen Trinipinity. The Queen had her white guitar (with rainbow sparkle swirl designs) handed to her by one of the assistants that hung around the right and left sides of the throne room. She easily played the chord, which sounded happy yet sad at the same time. Everyone in the throne room clapped. The young lady parroted the chord to make sure she got it right, smiled, bowed and skipped off.
The day went on like this, each problem that was presented to the Queen she handled with gleeful ease. Noon came around and the line was starting to thin out. This was usual. Everyone in the kingdom liked to get their problems and work out of the way in the morning so that they had the rest of the day for leisure time. Work was always over before 3:30. Every day at noon Trinipinity would go up to the nursery and play with her daughter for an hour. Princess Abigail was three years old. The Queen lifted her, hugged her, kissed her, played various simple games and chatted her daughter up, even though she wouldn't say much back. She read her a story about why Kutiemuffin's have a single sharp tooth protruding over their upper or lower lip. In summary of the tale, they have this tooth so they can open cans of baking ingredients, because they never invented the can-opener. Baking was altogether important in their society. It was like magic, you could cure anything, change the way you look, change the way you feel, make food, make presents, build buildings, it's uses were vast. It was even the way they reproduced. New Kutiemuffins were baked into existence.
Abigail was too young to appreciate much of the story. Her mother smiled upon her infant daughter and placed her back in her pen to play. Their mid-day hour together was over all too soon.
Queen Trinipinity resumed her duty of advice giving while only feeling a little bit like going back to spend time with Abigail. Abigail was one of two things she loved more than her kingdom. The other thing that she loved more was on its way down the multi colored carpet as soon as she sat down. It was the Kutiemuffin King. He wore a puffy black cape that shone like gasoline on pavement. His armor shone just the same. Upon his head was his muffin shaped hat (called a muffintop hat), like the queen's. Jewel encrusted and dazzling under the chandelier's light. Around the top of the muffin on his head was the king's crown. His armor clanked as he strode down the hall, people made way for the king. Every morning the king would walk around the kingdom to visit the major thoroughfares of castle town to make sure everyone was doing alright, or if anything needed fixing. He also loved his job and his people. He stroked his mustache before he sat on the larger throne to the Queen's left. His mustache was large, grey, wavy and commanded your loyalty and obedience. The king was the only Kutiemuffin in the kingdom who knew how to fight, and with a sword no less. His sword was always at his side, ready to defend what he loved. He had to shift it slightly so he could sit down properly. He looked over at the Queen and her at him and they stole a tiny kiss before they would begin giving advice as a couple. It was the last spurt of people before they had the rest of the day off to do whatever else they pleased, which would be doing more work for their people, or spending time with Abigail, so they thought. The next Kutiemuffin to approach the King and Queen was an elderly woman. "No, no, that's okay dear, don't bow" The King said gently as the old lady attempted to bow with great discomfort. Her old bones could be heard cracking from 10 feet away. "Thank you, kindly" responded the elderly woman in a small raspy voice. She cleared her throat and then said "I was wondering if I could have a small favor from your highnesses before I pass on…?" The King and Queen both said "Go on" at the same time. "Well" she paused "I was wondering if perhaps your Excellencies could grant my final wish. As you both can see very well I am about to pass away. All I am asking is a slight modification to my death celebration. Instead of being made into a singular large cake, could I please be made into many small cakes and then shot from a cannon to rain over the kingdom? I just would like to have a death celebration that has a bit of a bang you know?" She laughed with her lips closed. No this woman was not senile; Kutiemuffins celebrated their deaths as well as their births. During any celebration muffins are eaten, and normally when a Kutiemuffin passes on they are made into a large muffin cake and eaten by other inhabitants of the kingdom, usually the deceased's family. The pair eyed her with a smile for a moment and the King said "Granted. Just have the arrangements made with the head death celebration planner. I believe he is in his office now. I will sign for your request when he brings me the proper forms." "May your reign be long, your majesty" said the old lady and she slowly made her way out of the hall to go find the head death celebration planner's office.
It was getting very near quarter after 2. The King and Queen enjoyed sitting together during the slow hours that were the end of their daily job. This day there would only be one more person to speak to them before they had their leisure time. They spoke together during the slow times and also with the guards and helpers that were all around them. They were nearly about to call it quits for the day due to no one else showing up and it being near 3:30 when one of the scouts came running down the hall, screaming and bawling loudly, holding his arm. This frightened The Majesties. They had not ever experienced fear before this moment. No one in the kingdom had. Neither had they experienced things like sadness, woe, anger or discomfort, but they would soon, and all too well. "Aaaaaaahhhhh! King Jipompolopolous! Queen Trinipinity! I- I- I'm….leaking!" He screamed in extreme discomfort. His icing was leaking down his arm under where his hand was covering. He shakily removed his hand and revealed a large perfectly round wound that was gushing icing. The King and Queen's eyes bulged nearly out of their heads. The throne room was in an uproar, no one knew what to do. No one knew the feelings they were feeling. In all the craziness King Jipompolopolous ordered the guards to restrain the wounded scout and to bar the entrance.
It was dark outside before things calmed down enough so that they could talk things through. Everyone in the throne room that was there earlier was still there. The King made sure the area was quarantined. The time between then and now was chaos, everyone was running madly around the room bumping into each other, screaming and yelling, crying or huddling in the corner muttering to themselves. It was a long time before they could even find out what happened to the poor scout. The entire amount of icing within his arm had long since completely drained out before anything was asked of him. His arm no longer would move, so he sat by one of the pillars supporting the throne room's high white and rainbow patterned ceilings crying tears of fruit punch to himself. After much stammering, Trinipinity finally got things started by mustering up enough courage to ask "what happened to you!?" From there things went as smoothly as they could, which was not at all. It took a whole of 10 hours for them to figure everything out. There were long awkward pauses where everyone was lost in deep unpleasant thoughts. What happened was the scout was attacked. All of the Kutiemuffins could not understand this. Violence was out of their league, except for the king, as a young Kutiemuffin he had read all about swordsmanship and what it was used for, what he didn't know was what it could cause. This was the last thing he suspected. He was very glad that he hadn't decided to try out his new dueling technique on random villagers a few weeks back. The young scout was not only attacked, he was attacked by something that was not a Kutiemuffin nor anything known to the Kutiemuffin kingdom. He said it was tall and thin and entirely black. It was shaped like a man and it somehow made the hole in his arm appear after telling him that his kingdom would be destroyed. He told his audience that it wasn't made out of baked goods; it was made out of metal. King Jipompolopolous knew of monsters, and this is what he was sure it was. The only way to deal with this crisis was to create the next Kutiemuffin Pai. This was the Queen's suggestion, and no one disagreed. They were thankful they had a Queen able to make a decision so quickly in such a terrible situation.
Morning light was beginning to creep in the stained glass windows spreading every color all over the room. It glowed magnificently due to everything being bright white marble or enamel. The King and Queen decided they would take the day off to cower in their rooms and think things over on how to go about making the next Kutiemuffin pai. It was a complicated process, and things had been so good for so long that the kingdom didn't have a need for it until now. The rest of the Kutiemuffins in the room would also retire to their quarters for the day, and for the first time in history, the castle's front doors were closed, and the guardsmen were told to ask anyone who showed up to please come back some other time. As for our poor scout; the head baker had never seen a wound that ghastly before. It took a full day in his care to get a new arm baked for him to use. The head baker of The Kutiemuffin kingdom was probably the best at his job in comparison to anyone else. They were truly lucky to have him. Everyone but the Kutiemuffins that were in the throne room went on with their days as happily as ever, while their King and Queen, locked away in their chambers tried desperately to find a way to deal with this horrible monster.
Via. A very young man lay relaxed and cool on a wind swept hill with his elbows behind his head. The clouds overhead were lazily floating by. It was a cliché relaxing moment in every sense. Via was a boy of but nine years living on the Kutiemuffin country side. He lived with his mom, his dad and his 12 year old brother. His parents were pastry farmers. They had a decent ranch up and running that shipped all sorts of pastries that were sent through ought the kingdom. The town of which Via lived in was called Acetoss. It was a simple town filled with houses that were the shape of muffins scattered randomly through the valley. It was located in an area that was surrounded by mountains on three sides and was very grassy with many hillsides. Via was always garbed in whatever his mother threw on him as he didn't much care to have any fashion sense as most children don't. At this time he was wearing a shirt for a band, long since broken up and floogin cargo pants with stars and wings of red black and white as the design. His medium length wavy shag of a head of hair hung down over his eyes much of the time. It had different color highlights in it each day, without the benefit of dye or any effort on his part. Via and his brother were Phausions, which were not much different from humans. Phausions were double the height of an adult Kutiemuffin. They were the only known two in the kingdom and no one was sure of how they got there. Usually Kutiemuffin children are baked into existence using sugar and dough and jelly etc. Via and Zaj's parents had won a contest in the past and two Phausion babies had arrived in boxes labeled 'ingredients'. Since they were obviously alive they were not baked.
Via's older brother Zaj nudged his younger brother in the ribs with the toe of his boot "wake up, Mom needs help with the harvest." Via had been waiting for something to occupy him all day. He slowly stood up and looked up at the sky and the clouds that swam within it. Then without a word between the two they walked back to their muffin shaped house to get the gathering baskets. As they gathered jelly doughnuts in the fields, placing them into large baskets that were strapped on their backs a few local Kutiemuffins around the same age as Via came running up to them. "Hey! Zaj, did you pack for our adventure?!" One shouted while running towards them. When they were close both Via and his brother shushed them harshly with scrunched faces bringing their pointer fingers in front of their lips in unison. The Kutiemuffins had to cover their faces to prevent spit from flying in their eyes. They remembered now that they were told not to wander down the passage by Via and Zaj's parents not two days ago and they were only slightly out of earshot at this moment. They had been caught planning an expedition in Zaj's room, they had made all the things they were going to need gathered in the center of his room on the rug when Via's mom came into the room and quickly figured out what was going on. No punishment was given of course, nor would there be any later, as this was the Kutiemuffin Kingdom and there was no such thing.
The group shuffled off to the edge of the field of various pastries growing on branches, things like doughnuts, pies and cakes surrounded them on all sides and they crouched low to the ground while the brothers made it look as if they were digging up some rootcakes. Only the top of the brothers' huge baskets could be seen bobbing to and fro if the parental figures were to look this way. The five hooligans, Via, Zaj, Herms, Ulria and Archibald began to scheme their scheme. "Zaj, did you gather the things up again?" Herms asked in a hushed voice. Zaj looked up and gave a single nod, a small smirk upon his face. He continued to pretend to be digging for rootcakes. "When should we sneak out? Like, what time do you want to go?" Herms continued questioning. Ulria suddenly chimed in saying "We already chose when, right before their mom came in and caught us in the act." She said gesturing towards the brothers. "Well?" Herms and Archibald asked at the same time. Both had forgotten and so had Zaj. All were wearing a face that seemed to say 'go on.' "Eleven. The whole kingdom will be completely asleep and we will have time a plenty to explore and get back without being noticed" Ulria informed her group, adjusting her black rimmed square specs. At this moment Via's parents were getting too close to continue their scheming so the three Kutiemuffins jogged off, one of them shouting "we'll play later!" and giggled as they ran on. Via and Zaj continued their work in silence until 3:30 and then went in to their separate rooms to get some sleep before their big adventure. Zaj had a hard time getting any sleep, his straight black hair kept getting in his eyes. It was dirty at the moment because he was sweating from harvesting. He had to get up and bathe in the pond outside before he was able to get comfortable enough to rest. He only actually got a few minutes of solid sleep the whole time he lay there. He was too excited. Via however slept like a baby. He could sleep anywhere, on anything. Via didn't even really feel much like going on this adventure but Archibald was prone to trouble and was a small kid, even for a Kutiemuffin which were already half the size of a Phausion. Archibald wanted to go, but only because he knew Via was going to be there to keep him safe. Archibald was scrawny and wore a pointed yellow cone on top of his head and had blonde parted hair that came out from underneath it. Via didn't want him to feel left out so he decided to come. Plus he felt they would be safer the higher their numbers became, should something go wrong.
Zaj had to sneak into Via's room to wake him up. He shook him until his eyes opened lazily and the brothers opened the window and climbed out into the garden. They were careful not to trample any plants and snuck through the pastry field, crouching every now and then to see if anyone was watching. When they were far away enough from the house not to be recognized they walked upright at a casual pace, Via in front. This night, Via's highlights had turned a deep purple. When they reached the entrance to the crevasse between two steep cliffs they found that the rest of their team was already waiting for them. Zaj and Via handed the other three their share of the load of things they had brought and they set off, being careful not to make any sounds as they were right near Ulria's house. The cliffs on either side of them loomed so high that you couldn't see the tops from the ground. The cliff was made of a smooth rock that curved inward on its way up and then pointed back out into a fine tip at the top. They walked for a half hour, fantasizing with each other childishly of what they might find at the end. None of them had ever walked so long in their lives, all were tired save for Via and Zaj. Zaj got tired at the one hour and thirty minute mark. "Let's stop please! Please! Sooooooo tiiiiirrrrred" Archibald whined from the back of the line. Everyone felt they could use a break and Ulria suggested they eat some of the food they had brought. "We gotta be at least halfway through" sighed Herms while rubbing his sore legs. Herms was a stalky Kutiemuffin who had developed some muscle to him from helping his father build cart wheels for as long as he could remember. He had a pudgy face and short white spiky hair. He often tucked his shirt in thinking it made him look more muscular but it only made him appear overweight. His arms were the only muscular things about him. The group sat for a spell rubbing their tired legs and munching the pazones they had brought. Via had not fully woken up yet and started to nod off again. He was not very physically tired at all. When the others noticed they nudged him and Ulria suggested that they should go before he's too difficult to wake up. So off they went for another go of walking.
After the next hour of their trek went by conversation grew scarce. All but Via and Zaj were moving at a zombie's pace, especially Archibald who complained the most. They took many small breaks, mostly for the benefit of Archibald who had begun to stumble more often than he normally did. "We should go back" he started to say after their third hour of walking went by. "Yes, we should, but if one of us goes back all of us go too" Ulria agreed. The group stopped and sat again for another break. "There's nothing ahead. I'm tired anyway. We'll go back after this break" Zaj said with disappointment heavy on his voice. "No, come on! We're almost at the end I can feel it!" pleaded Herms. He did not want to come so far and get nothing but sore legs from it. Via didn't really care either way. "I think we'd better go back. I am pretty sure we've been walking for three hours now. It will take another three to get back, by then it will be daylight and it will be difficult not to get caught" Ulria said wisely. Herms sort of puffed his cheeks out. He knew he was outnumbered. "Via! You want to go forward right?" Via shrugged with a calm look on his face. "Fine! Fine. How about I go alone? I'll be fine." Herms bargained. Archibald replied with an "okay" he just wanted to go home to bed, while Ulria didn't seem to be done arguing just yet "No, Herms you'll probably get caught or something on your way back. It's too risky." No punishment would come to them if they were caught, but they still didn't want their parents to feel disappointed in them. Herms looked at her a moment uncomfortably, then the other way in the direction they were headed. He looked back and quickly said "Too bad." And walked onward. Zaj walked back in the opposite direction, headed for home without saying anything, Ulria was pissed off and squinted at herms' back then stormed off after Zaj. Archibald was glad to be heading home, he wasn't too worried about herms. He thought Herms was tough enough to handle however long of a walk it was to the exit of the mountain pass. He followed Ulria sluggishly. Via however, went after Herms. He figured it would be best if he were around in case Herms got into any trouble. Ulria was going to say something to him but she thought it would only increase Herms' chances of not getting caught if he were in Via's more capable hands, and so the party was split.
After Zaj and co had returned to Acetoss they waited a short period of time in an inconspicuous manner by the nearest field of crops. They began pretending to get started work early, which was highly appreciated, yet rarely done in Acetoss. They were working on the field nearest the mountain pass so it could be in plain view. When the daylight came Ulria was officially worried about them and imagined the horrified faces of herms' and Via's parents when she told them the bad news. Archibald was just beginning to complain for the eighth time about having to work instead of sleep when a small rumbling began. "Listen." Said Zaj, and they all turned and looked toward the mountain pass where it was originating from. The rumbling grew louder. They kept their eyes on the pass. Archibald imagined gallons and gallons of water rushing through, thinking that Herms had unplugged a damn. he tried to swallow his fear. The rumbling grew louder still, and gradually louder and louder until the group was panicked. Kutiemuffins in the village were poking their heads out of windows and doors, coming outside to see what the commotion was all about. The entire population of Acetoss came outside in their curiosity of this very loud noise and all of them formed a U shaped crowd and began to stare at the mountain pass. Murmurs similar to "What is that?" and "what's going to happen?" could be heard through the crowd. A few moments later and they could hear a hoarse screaming, still far off. It was Herms' screams. It sounded as if he was screaming for a long time. Ulria put her hands over her mouth while Archibald backed away. Zaj moved into the crowd of people and called the other two to come with him, figuring it would be safer than out in the open. The rumbling was now deafening, along with the screams of herms, everyone was tense, especially herms' parents whose eyes were leaking that really good orange popsicle soda. Something that had not happened before. Suddenly Herms came running out from the mountain pass entrance screaming and flailing "Run! Run! Get out of the way! It's huge! Run!" He was covered in sweat and his eyes were nearly popping out of his head. Via was still nowhere to be seen and this made Zaj's eyes gloss over and he began blaming himself for the whole mess. The crowd started to move at a jog back to their homes, looking curiously over their shoulders. Herms was not looking back, only screaming and flailing. He stumbled, then scrambled back to his feet as fast as he could manage only to stumble again. The houses were shaking quite violently; bits of them were falling apart. Zaj began shouting to the crowd to get in the nearest houses but not everyone listened. Some ran towards their own homes, some just stood in one spot panicking like a squirrel does when it's trying to cross a busy highway, and some just threw themselves flat to the ground, hands covering their ears. The rumbling was shaking the ground and everyone on it for some moments and then the cause of the rumbling burst through the mountain pass, breaking it on both sides as it was so large it could not rightly fit in the small trench that it was. Large rock chunks flew everywhere in front of it crushing the nearest house and ruining large portions of the nearby crop fields. It was a 35 foot high, 20 foot wide big honkin' motherfucker of a tank. This monster was fully equipped with all sorts of weaponry, it had spikes on it's treads, which were 10 feet off the ground, easy, missiles, bombs, machine guns, lasers and basically anything else that was meant for killing, and on the very top of this juggernaut was Via, holding on tight to the hatch, struggling to turn the wheel to open it. The villagers of Acetoss paused for a moment and then flipped their tops once they took a look at what had come through. Everyone ran in all directions screaming, flailing and stumbling. This is what Kutiemuffins usually did when they were scared. Zaj, Herms, Ulria and Archibald watched what follows from atop the farthest hill they could run to. Zaj had to carry Ulria and Archibald there or they would have been flattened. Luckily Herms had a head start or he would not have made it either. The black monster wheeled around in circles trying to shake Via off so it could crush him under it's spiked treads, but his grip was too firm. As it jerked around it ran over two houses and another farmland. For fun it used it's flamethrower to set another three houses on fire and shot off a missile at town hall, blowing a large chunk of it to pieces. It tried to mow down a line of Kutiemuffins fleeing in the distance with its machine gun turrets but only managed to kill a quarter of them. This urged Via to work faster. The wheel finally gave and it turned slightly. He could hear an alarm within the beast going off, in moments it was jerking itself back and forth in another attempt to shake Via loose, but Via wasn't going anywhere. Suddenly it stopped and via used this small break to wipe the sweat from his brow and then continue turning the hatch open. It was coming easy now, and then too easy. It was being opened from the inside. Via hopped backwards ready to grapple with whatever came out. The hatch opened and a thin shiny black metal man slowly ascended out and stepped toward via with his arms raised in a manner that suggested he wanted to strangle him. It lunged for Via's neck and grasped it firmly with both hands. Via coughed and sputtered. He began to feel dizzy. He started kicking the metal man but it didn't help. Via managed to get his own hands around the metal man's neck and tried to squeeze back, but it was like squeezing a metal pipe. Via was now too disoriented to stand. He fell backwards still holding on to his enemy. He fell right off the top of the tank and was headed for the treads with spikes upon them. Via thought of what he was doing at this time the day before for the moment it took to hit the spikes. He never would have guessed he would die in such a way, he always expected he would die of boredom. He closed his eyes and then "schling!" they were on the spikes, but Via was not hurt. It turned out that gravity was his savior that day for the metal man was heavier and turned in mid air. The metal man had 50 spikes planted in his back. He was not moving anymore. Via carefully climbed back to the top of the tank. He was planning on going down the hatch to make sure no one else was in there when the tank started moving forward again. It smashed itself into the side of the cliff as fast as it could and this time via did not have anything to hold onto and was sent sailing through the air into the cliff face and then onto his back on top of the tank. Blood was streaming down his forehead and out of his nose. He had received a splitting headache courtesy of the wall. He lay there until he saw the turrets move to point towards him. He was not in their line of fire long enough to get hit, he dove towards the back of the tank, narrowly dodging the bullets fired at him. Via looked up through the eye that did not have blood covering it and saw two more of the black metal men standing on the tank 5 feet in front of him. One threw a rock at him, Via moved his body to the left and it missed and hit one of the turret caps. A large explosion went off where the 'rock' had landed, sending Via sprawling even more so to the left banging up his legs pretty badly as he landed awkwardly on his back atop the other turret cap. As soon as he could he was back on his feet. The metal men seemed to be staring at him. They had no eyes or any facial features at all, Via noticed. They were merely the shape of men. They both raised their right arms and rectangular panels popped up to reveal guns within their arms. They opened fire and their first shots hit Via in the left arm and right shoulder. He fell over backwards from the force behind the right turret. He screamed in agony. Never had he before experienced such pain. It felt as if someone had stabbed him with a burning rapier. Via's tormentors opened fire once more, but he was hidden safely behind the turret cap. He looked to his right and saw something that looked like their weapons within the wreckage of the right turret. He hoped it worked the way he thought it would. He picked up some scraps of metal and lobbed them over the turret cap at his attackers. He heard the clank of metal on metal and then more gunfire. He took his chance and lunged over to the weapon, grasped it, pulled the trigger and let out a stream of heat on his enemies which tore them apart in moments.
Once they were reduced to a pile of smoking rubble and bullet holes, he aimed the weapon downwards at the tank itself and spread the destruction all over its top. The behemoth jerked backward then frontward into the cliff again, which jostled Via off his balance. It then whirled around and faced the grass and drove forward and stopped quickly on a field of ruined crops so that it's back end raised upwards. Via almost fell off backwards but grasped the gun and looked back towards the ground over his shoulder. This did not help the pain. He winced and screamed hoarsely, when he turned his head to look in front of him his scream was ended abruptly. A large black object had crashed into him, foot first, knocking him off the front of the machine. Via fell the entire 35 feet and landed in the bushes of chocolate marshmallows. He was very badly beaten, there were scratches and bruises all over his body and his clothes were ripped in many places. He staggered very slowly to his feet and wobbled over to a clearing where some crops were on fire. The smell of burning dough made his stomach lurch. 'Crash!' a much larger version of the metal men landed in front of him, arms and legs spread apart with it's head pointed at him. It didn't seem happy. He had destroyed his co workers, caused heavy damage to his machine and ruined all the fun he was hoping to have. During his existence he had killed things for doing far less. Via looked up at where it's face should be and saw six spider-like limbs rise out from it's back and stick into the ground around him. He lifted himself off the ground and snatched Via up in one of his creepy legs, lifting the boy towards his body. The large metal man grasped Via's throat with one arm and held him out. Blood was dripping from Via in a few places; down both of his arms and from his exposed stomach through the rips in his shirt, but especially from his head where blood was flowing from every opening. Via attempted to take a breath but obviously failed. The metal spider jostled him a little, as punishment, Via's neck almost broke. This monster wanted to watch Via die slowly and painfully so he did not allow his neck to break. Via could feel the life draining out of him, he tried to grasp at the strangler's hands but it was no use, he couldn't lift them high enough. Via closed his eyes and started to feel the worst type of sleepiness possible. Thoughts began to swim through his head, he thought of what was for dinner a few days ago and the fireworks they had last year. He thought of his brother Zaj playing with him when he was younger, and of his parents and friends. Then he thought of the time the Queen had visited Acetoss to celebrate with them for fireworks day and she gave him the wink and gun gesture. Without realizing it Via mimicked the wink and gun gesture at the shiny metal spider that was strangling him to death 15 feet off the ground.
Through the tips of Via's pointing fingers came the most brilliant display of the color spectrum the whole Kutiemuffin Kingdom ever saw right into the evil fucker's face. The ray zoomed off into space doing small twirls as it went. Via felt very satisfied while he was falling to the ground. After this he saw no more of that day.
Via missed four days of consciousness. It could have been a lot less but he was a Phausion, and Kutiemuffins didn't know very much abut healing their wounds. When he awoke in his blood stained bed he was still in agony. It turned out that the Kutiemuffins had tried to heal him by pouring flour and milk into his bullet wounds. Via grabbed a nearby knife and began to dig around in his bullet wounds to attempt to extract the slugs. After 3 hours of excruciating pain he threw the second slug onto the floor beside his bed along with the knife. They clanked loudly on the wooden surface, which startled his mother awake. By the time she entered his room he was unconscious again.
A few days after the incident the mayor of Acetoss went around town informing everyone that there would be a town meeting in a week provided Via was well enough to attend. This was all the town was talking about, of course. Acetoss was never so proud of Via before this moment. He had single handedly saved them all from certain destruction. Only two farmlands, 4 houses and town hall needed repairs. Unfortunately 9 Kutiemuffin lives were lost, most of them children or elderly. Sometime on the fifth day Via woke again and began attending to his other wounds. When he had looked after all of them as well as he was capable he found some chocolate beside his bed. It looked as if he was being fed this in his sleep. He had some more and rested for a while.
His mother came in to visit him and when she found out how well he was recovering she threw her arms around him and broke into tears. She did not let go of her son for 3 hours and 12 minutes. Many gifts of thanks were delivered to Via by nearly every villager and he had a good time opening them with Zaj and the gang on the sixth day. Shipments to the kingdom had ceased, along with all work as everyone was too shaken to get anything done. Archibald had locked himself in his room for the majority of this time, hiding either under his bed or in his closet, only coming out to eat. Herms kept a very watchful eye on the mountain pass and Ulria and Zaj mostly used their time to visit with Via.
When it came time for the town meeting, Via was wheelchair bound. He showed up with his family a little late being pushed by Zaj. When everyone was gathered in front of the podium the mayor very solemnly relayed all the information he had received about the incident. They did not know where the black abomination had come from. As it turned out Herms and Via had disturbed the tank and it tried to run them down. It chased them all the way to Acetoss, it's deadly spiked treads only barely missing them. If the mountain pass had of been wider, there would no longer be a Herms or Via living in Acetoss. They feared that there may be more of these destructive creatures on the other side of the mountains and did not want to take any chances. The castle would need to be informed. Of the tank and of Via's strange powers. No one had known before this that Via could shoot crazy rainbows through his fingertips. The townsfolk demanded that he go on stage and demonstrate many times before they were satisfied he was performing real magic. Via knew of his power all along, but chose not to do it in public, he didn't want anyone to think he was showing off. Via had asked what happened to the six legged creature when he shot it with his rainbow magic. The villagers took turns telling him the story in pieces.
After he had shot the black metal man he dropped Via to the ground, put on a nice fedora with a white feather in it's band, along with a matching tie. Then a pudgy owl with a greenish hue to it flew down from a nearby tree and landed on his shoulder, they then walked off down the mountain pass in a strut. After this the villagers demanded once more that Via perform his magic. Every time the rays touched something, that something got at least a little more awesome in a killer way.
It was unanimous, Via would be the one to venture to castle town and explain the problem to the King and Queen. The crowd exploded with applause and cheers when he agreed. He had no problem with doing this; he realized how urgent a matter it was. His parents though, forced Via to stay home until he could walk properly and stopped spontaneously bleeding and puking everywhere. 2 days after the town meeting, nearly the entire population of Acetoss showed up at the exit path to see him off. His parents, brother and close friends each gave him their own goodbyes and everyone cheerfully waved as he rode down the path on a crop delivery cart leant to him by Herms' father towards castle town.
Via lay back and let the Stuffies pull the cart he was on along the dirt road. Via wasn't a harsh driver on them so they could walk as fast or as slow as they pleased. Stuffies were fox like in appearance, but with long pointy ears and white fur. Their eye color varied yet was always bright. Via fell asleep several times on his way to the castle. He slept right through the ride through the bustling castle town, or he would have if the pastry shop owner hadn't mistaken him for a shipment which was three days late. Once Via had explained what had happened in Acetoss and why his shipment had still not shown up, the Pastry shop owner fled indoors and drew his curtains at a fast walk.
When Via arrived in at the castle's gates a few guards informed him that the castle was closed until further notice. He could not get advice from the King or Queen just yet. Via went off behind a nearby shrubbery to relax a while and to nurse his wounds that had been smarting constantly. He noticed the guards became bored and went for a walk around the castle. He inspected the door and gave it a little push. The doors creaked open, as it was never locked and hardly ever closed. Inside the castle seemed deserted. Everyone was hidden in their rooms, mulling over what was going to be done about this black monster problem.
Their majesties were in their rooms, unaware of their intruder, worrying over what to do. They stood together far from the windows hugging and whimpering. They nearly jumped through the ceiling with fright when Via slowly creaked their bedroom door opened. They had not seen a Phausion before, so they ran to the nearest corner to quiver. Via calmed them down only by using his facial expressions. They didn't seem to be angry with him for barging in like he did after he told them he was here to ask for advice on how to solve their black monster problem and that he was willing to help. Their spirits lifted magnificently, actually brightening the room. Literally. Both rulers immediately agreed, he would be the person to assemble the next Kutiemuffin pai. They had him explain further about how he knew about the black monster problem. After he had explained about the incident with the black tank in Acetoss their spirits were lower than before Via had entered the room. A sound of anxiety fell on their voices and the two begged him with tears in their eyes to assemble the Kutiemuffin pai. Via agreed quickly just to cheer them up, though he hadn't the foggiest clue of what the Kutiemuffin pai might be. It showed on his face, so the King and Queen took Via to the planning room and summoned a few more Kutiemuffins into the room with them by asking a nearby door guard to fetch them. Minutes passed and the royal counselor and the head baker appeared in the room and sat down. As everyone knew about the monster within the castle they did not need to be told what this meeting was about. It was right down to business. The king walked up to the podium and stood in front of it, at the first table in front of it Via sat alone directly facing King Jipompolopolous. The Queen and the others stood around him, the Queen to his left and the Baker and counselor to his right. The king began to speak in a voice very much like a drill instructor, minus the insane screaming; "Lad, I'll explain a bit first… What we need you to do m'boy is piece together the second coming of the Kutiemuffin pai. What that is, is the killerest thing ever. It will always bring something great to the kingdom and its peoples. Usually the pai appears as a beautiful young lady!" The king turned his head to the royal counselor and he shuffled forward and said "Young man you are in for some traveling. We are going to need you to travel across the entire world as we know it. Through every country upon it…" he seemed frightened by this idea. After he sapped out of his fear the head baker spoke up with his bit of information. "Well. A long time ago the last Kutiemuffin pai was made in an effort to set all things right. It was a concoction like no other! What yer gonna need for the recipe is ohh, only the most rare thing from each country upon the globe!" he laughed after he said this and then continued "This is the recipe" as he sent a piece of parchment gliding through the air and onto the table Via was sitting at. It slid silently onto the table and came to a halt on the edge. Via leant forward and dragged it towards him with the tips of his longest fingers and began to look it over.
The Kutiemuffin Pai: TOP SECRET!
Ingredients:
1 keg of alcobi.
"Don't worry about how to put er' together. That's my job. You just get those ingredients as fast as ya can….And as you might' a noticed, it's a secret. No one outside of the castle knows this recipe and you shouldn' tell anyone neither." The baker said in a final sort of tone. "And also!" he began to go on, raising his finger into the air "You'll need to be figurin' out how to get some of those ingredients on your own. The only way we'll be able to help is by telling ya that each ingredient is in a differn' country."
The head baker looked back at the king and they nodded to each other. The king then said with a sigh "Do you understand, lad?" Via nodded slowly. He understood what he had to do, but why? How would creating this "Kutiemuffin pai" make the black monsters go away? He scrunched up his face and was about to ask this when the king said "We need you to do it lad, please!" His voice went higher at the end of his sentence, panic was in his voice. "Lad" he continued "if you bring the second coming of the Kutiemuffin pai she will protect us from the black-the black - the black things!" His highness was shaken just thinking about them. Queen Trinipinity was looking down at Via from the small stage they were standing on, smiling solemnly. She stepped forward and drew a breath in "You will stay with us at the castle for a day or two, yes?" she invited pleasantly. Via accepted the invite with a quick nod, he didn't want to have to travel all the way back to Acetoss only to have to come right back here to start his quest. "Wonderful! We will have dinner together! Head baker, could you please set up the dining hall for the king, myself, Abigail and Via tonight?" The queen asked happily. "Certainly your majesty" responded the baker with utmost respect.
Via stayed in a guest room, spending most of the remainder of the day napping. When he was summoned for dinner by a helper he needed to be shaken awake. During dinner they had all sorts of food Via had never seen before. He had never eaten this well. They discussed a lot of things other than the assembling of the pai, they were saving that for the last. They went over such topics as: Phausions, Acetoss, what happened with the tank again, and other things that were more pleasant. Their majesties decided then that they would plan Via's quest in more detail tomorrow in the planning room with more qualified Kutiemuffins present to lend their advice. Queen Trinipinity and King Jipompolopolous both helped each other in telling the tale of the first Kutiemuffin pai. They told him that it took place hundreds of years ago, when their kingdom was just beginning. It was the doing of the first king; he was a marvelous baker, rivaled by no one. Making the Kutiemuffin pai was what made him king in the first place, starting the line that Jipompolopolous descended from. It's said in legends that when the Kutiemuffin pai appeared in front of them, it appeared as a beautiful Phausion female. She gave the Kutiemuffins the power to make sugar, the greatest and most common ingredient. She told the first king that she could not stay in this reality or their minds and souls would be overloaded with cuteness and that she had something very important to do or their world and many others would not exist. After that was said she faded away and never returned. Their majesties stories ended at that, and this is where our main story of Via ends as well, For the time being.
To complete her world saving task she would need to transport herself through many realities, imaginations, universes, galaxies, freeways, inner sanctums and solar systems many times over for many countless years.
When she had done just that and arrived at her destination, a planet its inhabitants called earth, she had to become a human baby. She found an under developed fetus, still within its mother and possessed its body, completely taking ownership of it. In the process all of her memories and most of her magical powers disappeared forever. She kept the powers of ultimate cuteness and ultimate prettiness only, any other power she would have would be developed on her own. When she was quite young, she made a friend that lived next door to her, and through that friend she met a young boy. She and the boy were playing with each other daily for a long time. Within a year or less of being together she had fallen in love with him, but would never say anything about her feelings because she believed herself to be too young to feel this way. What she didn't know was that he loved her too, just as strongly. After many days of playing together terrible things happened to her and they were separated. The boy attempted to rekindle the friendship a few times, but due to a miscommunication of feelings they stayed apart. Years and years passed and the wonders of technology established a very small link to one another. Her love for him flared again and his for her. During this year the boy experienced extreme sorrow, and what it felt like to be truly and utterly alone. An evil corporation joined forces with sickness, death, insanity and the cowardice of the human race in an attempt to destroy his soul. They came close to succeeding, but he came out on top in the end, and due to this he became a man.
Once all of his problems were solved, on a whim he decided that he would attempt to make her his girlfriend. It was the best decision he had ever made and will ever make. Ever. They shared a first date, and he gave her, her first kiss (which was adorable as fuck) and they became a couple that was happily in love. She inspired him to make this story, and he wrote it with as much love as he could possibly translate into text. He didn't go back and change any of the story so that he wouldn't accidentally backspace any love out. And thus, she ensured the Kutiemuffin kingdom exists. Oh and she smells really good too, did I mention that?
Her quest now completed, what was there to do now? Sometime on August eleventh 2007, their first anniversary; she read this story and when she reached this paragraph the story had ended, but there was one page left, so she turned to it and saw a question the author hoped she would say yes to…
You won't get to see that page, it exists only for her as of the time being. Read on, the story continues. 
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