Crappy Movie Analysis


So you like movies eh? You like action, explosions, matrix style fight sequences and CGI generated car chases. Chances are your a useless pile of puke. I'm going to go through some different aspects of shitty movies and explain why 98% of mainstream movies since the end of the 70's have sucked.

I'll start with car chases. I'm sure that when I say the words "car chase" you think of the Fast and the Furious bullshit or maybe even the remake of Gone in Sixty Seconds with that hack Nicholas Cage and that fat lipped bitch Angelina (Billy Bob fuckin) Joelie. You think to yourself "How can dat shizz be any betta than fast and furious yo? Dat shit be DOPE!" Sorry you gooey eyed mongloid but import remote control cars and green screens don't constitue a good car chase scene. I've experienced the displeasure of watching that crap and it makes me want to shit a fucking grocery bag filled with ground beef. Sit the car in a stationary position, take a picture of it in front of the green screen with mr. good looking scumbag actor. Take out the background and super-impose it onto a background of wizzing lights and BIGGITYBAM! You got yourself a fast and furious movie. You want good car chases? Try the French Connection, Grand Prix, Ronin, The Bourne Identity, and most importantly, the man of all car chases Blues Brothers. Real cars, real stunt drivers, real locations, real danger, GOOD CAR CHASES!!!

Next is fucking fight sequences. Chances are if you even like fight sequences your a testosterone filled jock. Ever since the fucking matrix, bullet time effects have been so fucking overused. Wow, this topic pisses me off so much I can't even finish this. If you like fight sequences go kill yourself.

Now on to horror movies. Any fucking goonba can call himself a horror fan if he's seen the latest hollywood crapfest. "I saw fuckin cabin feva in da theatres yo, its fuckin off da hizzle fo shizzle.". Okay, so Cabin Fever was independent and is actually pretty good for a modern horror movie. Too bad it was a blatant rip off of The Evil Dead. Show some respect fuckers. Right down to the credits. "Fake Shemps" eh? There is a fine line between homage and rip-off. I'll admit that there have been a few good modern movies, May was good. House of 1000 Corpses was alright. There are these assholes who see The Evil Dead once, put a patch on their backpack and call themselves a fucking horror philosipher. If you think the Friday the 13th series or Halloween is scary, you are obviously a jackass. When you reffer to the Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street movies as Jason or Freddy Krueger movies, chances are you have no genitals. When you think Busta Rhymes was just what the Halloween franchise needed, you probably like playing football.

Now CGI. This is what pisses me off most about modern movies. Instead of using latex appliances or special makeup, fuck it, lets just do it all digitally and insult our audience into thinking it's real. Sorry fuckers, I'll take my cartoons on saturday morning with my fucking corn pops. Assholes. Some people will say "But now that we've harnassed CGI, we can do things we've only dreamed about in movies." Oh yeah? Look at Stanley Kubricks 2001: A Space Odyssey or even the Star Trek series and the first three Star Wars movies. No digital effects, all set design, puppets and FUCKING LATEX! It looks fucking tons better than the recent crapfests called Attack of the Clones or Lord of the Rings. I actually feel like I'm watching a cartoon when watching these bullshit movies.

Hopefully you've seen the light by reading this and will no longer support hollywood's ass-raping movies. Actually, if you ever did like shitty movies chances are you have ADHD and I should come rape your mother then kill your whole family and tape it ala Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. Fuck you.